Tiffany Writes

Tiffany Writes: Stuart, I have not seen any posts on your Blog for awhile and am concerned that your bereavement Counselling is not going well.

I have just returned from evening Dance class in Eastbourne and I shared my concerns with the class. We have had a whip round and have decided to hire a minibus to come up and see you.

My good friend Horatio Fellatio, our male choreographer,  has even offered to drive as he is very interested in attending your weekly aviation class with all those pilots.

Stuart writes: Don’t bother.

I have moved house and, by the way, my weekly class is not with Pilots but is a Pilates class. Horatio would be severely disappointed.

Take your minibus to Brighton…

 

Tiffany Writes

Tiffany Writes:

Stuart, I have just got back from my latest Dance class in Eastbourne and have read about your horrible loss. I am heartbroken, as I am sure you are.

Needless to say, I have some marvelous grieving lotion that I could apply (by hand). All it would take would be a quick trip to the south coast. Hopefully, see you soon.

Stuart writes: There is no such thing as “Grieving Lotion”  – and may I remind you of your Restraining Order !!

Bugger Off…..

Tiffany Writes:

Tiffany writes: Stuart, I have just finished my Dance Class. It is ROASTING today in Eastbourne. I have lots of white bits !! I have just read your blog about that BITCH Fiona Phillips. You are right, she is very wrinkly.

I use a special lotion to keep my skin smooth and supple. Would you like me to send you a photo so you can judge for yourself?

Stuart writes: NO !! Do not send photographs of your skin, or any other parts of your body.

Thank you ..!!

 

Tiffany Writes:

Tiffany writes:

Stuart, I have just seen your latest blog about Osteoporosis on my mobile phone.I have taken a break from Dance Classes and Eastbourne and am visiting my old Drag Queen friend “Horatio Fellatio” in Brighton for the Bank Holiday Weekend.

Last night he showed me how to swallow a whole Bavarian Sausage, without gagging !!!

What a hoot !! You really must come down so I can show you my new found skills.

Stuart writes:

NO !! I will not be coming down.  I am vegetarian.

 

Tiffany Writes:

Tiffany writes:

Stuart, I am just about to go to my evening Dance Class down here in Eastbourne. I have just read your Magnesium blog. I love that you go to Pilates. You must be very bendy !! Maybe you could come down to Eastbourne and teach me a trick or two. I would bend over backwards to help you get in the right position. Let me know. Soon.

Stuart writes:

I will NEVER ever be coming to Eastbourne. I don’t even believe that you are a Dancer.Go away.!!

 

Tiffany Writes

Tiffany Writes: I have just finished Dance Class and read your article on Detoxing your WHOLE body. I was interested in the rebounding and dry brushing techniques. Stuart, I have a little trampoline set up in my apartment in Eastbourne. Perhaps you could come down and watch me jiggle up and down on it. I am very keen on getting it right.You could also show me first hand the all over brushing technique. I do hope that it is HANDS ON.!!

I would be so excited if you came.

Stuart Writes: Tiffany, you have got to stop this nonsense. Go to a Clinic if you want to Detox. Preferably a psychiatric one. Goodbye.

Tiffany Writes:

Tiffany Writes:

Stuart, I have just read your MARVELOUS  article “Statin the Obvious” and the headline reminded me of my life long struggle with Dyslexia. Why, only last night after Dance Class I popped into Eastbourne’s top Butchers Shop. It was sooooo embarrassing, with my Dyslexia. I got mixed up with Organic and Orgasmic. !!! Stuart, it was so easy to do with all those sausages in view.

Maybe you could come to Eastbourne and help me to learn the difference. I would so appreciate it.

Stuart writes:

No. I will not. Buy a Dictionary !!

Tiffany Writes:

Tiffany Writes: Stuart, I have just come back from my Easter “Pelvic Floor Exercises” at the Dance Class Studio here in Eastbourne and to my HORROR and SHAME  !!! find that my Pussy is, at best, damp and, at worst, wet…….I am at my wit’s end.!!!

What should I do? I know you are very knowledgeable in these matters…..

Stuart Writes:

You are an IDIOT !! .. Move your cat’s bed nearer to the radiator when you go to Dance Class.This will prevent any dampness forming. It is not rocket science.

Do NOT contact me again….!!!

Tiffany Writes

Tiffany Writes:

Stuart: I have just come back from my Saturday afternoon Dance Class overlooking the Eastbourne Promenade.

Now that it is Spring, I had to walk past our gardener. As I walked past him he was spraying the flower beds, and his massive hose pointed in my direction and made me all moist.

Do you think I should sue ?

Stuart writes: Firstly, I am not a lawyer and so cannot legally advise you. Secondly, you live in a one room first floor apartment with your two cats. So… you do not have a GARDEN !!!

You are deluded and should really see your Doctor on Monday. Get a GRIP !!!